Waste of Life
by RedRose108
Summary: A ill patient and a seemingly normal day at work manage to turn Gordon's and Jill's life's upside down. Will everything work out in the end?
1. Chapter 1

_Some days you just feel like doing nothing, the days when you wish the world would just stop, slow down, let you catch up with everyone else. That wasn't to be today, I had little motivation to do anything, let alone go to work when anything could happen. I used to like that about work, the surprises, the variety, but just for that one day I wished I knew what was going to happen. _

_How could of I been so stupid, that poor family will have to live with my mistake forever. Everyone keeps telling me it wasn't my fault, that my delay would of made any difference to the outcome. I just froze, couldn't snap out of it, at a vital time when my first reaction would determine the outcome. Gordon stepped in after I wouldn't move; continuing to revive the middle aged lady, which would prove futile in the near future. _

_Telling the family was even harder, when I know I could have done more, that women had family, young children and I feel like I took that away from them. _

_I can't trust myself anymore, what if it happens again. It felt like I had no control over my own body, I could feel my legs giving way, my eyesight becoming blurry, a sudden wave of nausea washing over me. If I hadn't if clutched on go the patient's bed I'm sure I would have ended up on the floor. _

_It's scared me; it frightened me a lot, not knowing what was happening. Now I am wondering if it will happen again, when it will happen again. I should have seen it coming, these last few days have been hard, not been able to sleep, and I've been coming clumsy. Forgetting certain things, which is driving Gordon mad he thinks maybe I'm coming down with something. He is probably right, usually is. Gordon is always supportive of me helping through problems he is good like that. Says I will feel better after a good night's sleep, I think so as well. But part of me telling me it's something more. _

_Sleep usually fixes things; they say sleeping on a problem can help. _

_I slept well I think, feeling much better today. Still I'm hiding away in my office, clearing myself from any emergencies, leaving Gordon and Dr Banner to deal with any that might arise. _

_Patient notes, they can could on forever, you will think you have finished with a patient and then you'll remember the notes you have to write up and when you're feeling like I do they just seem to never get finished. _

_I was already exhausted and the work day had barely started, waiting for my first patient to arrive. I turned around after hearing the familiar sound of my office door opening._

"Gordon"

_ I wasn't expecting him; I was fully expecting my first patient to walk through that door. _

"Jill, umm I've need your help with a case" he asked smiling, while making himself comfortable on a patients chair.

"Yes, we'll I'm waiting for a patient can it wait Gordon?" She asked. She really couldn't be bothered with any extra cases.

"I don't see anyone here Jill plus the waiting room is empty, please Jill I could really do with another opinion"

What if I mess this up to, cause everything to go wrong once again. I don't feel in control anymore, Gordon seems to really need my help though.

"What's the problem then" Jill eventually gave in.

"Patient came in a few days ago with what I thought was a basic virus, but now I think it's something more..." He spoke

"Symptoms?" She asked curious to find out more.

"Nothing conclusive, high temperature, vomiting, swollen glands... all of those sorts of things, I'm treating the symptoms, but I really need to know what's causing them."

"Can I take a look at her?"

"Yep, she's in the side ward" he proceeded to speak.

* * *

_I followed my husband out of my office and continued down the corridors to the first side ward on the right. I immediately recognised the patient lying in front of me._

"Mrs Smith?" She asked quickly, looking at the patient she treated just several days ago.

_A familiar stab of guilt washed though my stomach, could this be another one of my mistakes?_

"You know this patient?" Gordon asked confused about my reaction.

"Umm...yeah I treated her last week for a fever..."

_I couldn't believe it; this women right in front of me could be seriously ill because I failed to pick up on something._

"What for?" Another puzzled voice spoke in the room.

"Matron, I...I can't remember" she could feel myself getting nervous, it felt like She was been questioned by police with all of these questions, directed at her.

"Jill, you must remember, come on I'm running out of options, she's just getting worse" he spoke still being polite, he could she her already weary frame starting to shake and she looked like she was about to cry, things that are probably unnoticeable to anyone else but him.

"I...I...treated her for a throat infection, I thought that because of the swollen lymph glands in her neck" Jill sighed hesitantly, knowing she could of made a huge mistake.

"Did she have a sore throat, Jill?" Gordon asked

"...No...But"

"Jill seriously, a know you're having a hard time but, you should of picked up on this, she had all the symptoms of something more serious!" Gordon spoke slightly raising his voice.

"What are you thinking doctor?" Matron added.

"Not sure yet, maybe something tropical...did she say she had been out of the country?" Gordon asked

"Umm...no she didn't mention anything like that to me…" She added quietly, somehow trying to salvage the situation.

"Yeah...like you'd remember something like that..." Gordon mumbled under his breath, but still didn't go unnoticed by matron.

"Dr Ormerod, please not here" matron strictly said.

_Gordon was right though, I'd really stuffed up now. _

**Please review, and let me know if I should keep going:) xx**


	2. Chapter 2

Gordon was outside Jill's office door, attempting to make a mends with his wife. As much as he knew Mrs Smith's symptoms could of being picked up earlier Jill was still his wife. Someone he respected trusted and most of all loved.

"Jill, can...I come in" he asked

_I made no actual reply instead whimpering out uncharacteristic sobs. _

"Jill, sweetheart I didn't mean to upset this much I'm sorry." He apologised, placing his hands on the females shoulder, to which she immediately tensed under his hands.

"Did I hurt you Jill?" Gordon asked after he took his hands of her shoulder.

"No...No my necks just a bit sore" Jill said.

"Oh... Look about April Smith, I'm sorry I snapped at you but…But she's not improving and I just need to know what's causing the symptoms.

"I should...I should have picked up on them Gordon..."

"Maybe but, Mrs Smith is in here now and where doing everything we can to help her"

I recognised the tone in Gordon's voice, us doctors used it certain situations. Words carefully chosen to offer hope and comfort to a relative, when all was not good.

"You mean...she...she's not going to recover?" Jill asked trying to fight back the tears.

"I don't know Jill really don't know"

* * *

_Summer and I'm shivering, that's not right. It's seems even the weather is against me now, along with every other known force it this world. Just want to sleep but have to finish paperwork. I can't concentrate; keep thinking about poor Mrs Smith. We got back home and then after tea, Gordon got called back out to the hospital, she had taken a turn for the worse. Gordon is a good doctor he will make her better, I hope. I can't cope with anymore guilt, one dead patient is enough. That on patient is someone's child, sister, nice, aunt, mother, all of those people will be affected if I've messed up yet again. All this guilt seems to be having physical side effects on me; it's typical of me to be complaining of a few aches and pains when someone I treated is possibly on their death bed. I'm pathetic these days, crying in public. I've got the worst head ache to add to all of this, plus I seem to have hay fever as well. _

_I hear voices, one I know very well. Gordon's home, hope he has brought good news with him. _

"What are you still doing up Jill?" He asked as it was now half past 2 in the morning and his wife was making herself down the stairs.

"I...could sleep, Mrs Smith?" Jill asked

"She…she's stable... But we won't get the blood tests back to tomorrow" he said placing a hand on Jill's shoulder when something caught his eye. "What is on your neck?" He asked smiling while gazing at an angry red rash on his wife's soft skin.

"I don't know it's a rash…I think came up today" she said while trying to get a look of it herself.

"You put any lotion on it?"

"Yep some camomile cream, I found in the cupboard"

"Ok then, let's get to bed" he sighed the lack of sleep catching up to him.


	3. Chapter 3

_I woke up feeling worse than I ever had done before; my head ache only seemed to intensify during the night. My whole body ached and I was left exhausted, due to the lack of sleep last night. _

_My body protested as I got up and out if bed, dizziness nearly overcame me walking down the stairs. From the stairs I walked straight into the kitchen, where I joined Gordon and our children. We ate our chosen breakfast like we did every other morning, managed to persuade the two eldest children to get ready for school which out much fuss._

_I enjoy our family time, with Gordon's and I busy work schedules we don't get to be all together as much as I would hope. But still we make it work._

_Gordon and I traveled to work in our separate cars, and parked in our usual spots. Making our ways into our separate offices but was soon to be joined by husband once again. I couldn't complain I enjoyed his company._

"Have you checked on Mrs Smith?" she asked a soon as her husband walked in to her office.

I needed to know; it had being bothering me all morning.

"Yes, indeed I have…she didn't have a good night I'm afraid, but she is stable for now" Gordon spoke.

Stable? Stable could mean anything; all of this guilt is eating me up.

Gordon noticed a change in his wife; her shoulder slummed forward as she closed her tired eyes. He had also noticed that she didn't sleep well last night, hadn't for a few days now. He guessed his wife was upset about certain patients, he knew she blamed herself and felt guilty. He secretly cursed himself for talking like that the other day to her, wouldn't have made the situation better, probably only added to her guilt. But in all fairness he knew he only did it because he cared, just like Jill does.

"Look Jill this isn't your fault, you know" he spoke placing a hand on his wife shoulders.

"I don't know Gordon….like you said maybe if I have picked up on it sooner she wouldn't be ill!" she sighed "and then the Lady last week, she had a young family. The look on the husbands face was shattering when I told him of what had happened"

"Jill that wasn't your fault either. What happened was completely unexpected you did what anyone would have done!"

They sat in silence for a bit, not an awkward silence, a silence that they both felt completely comfortable in. Their thoughts were interrupted when a breathless and anxious sister Brigid stumbled in.

"Doctor, we need you." She spoke quickly.

"Right away, I'll see you later Jill…"


	4. Chapter 4

What did they need Gordon for, has Mrs Smith taken a turn for the worst, is it my fault? What if she dies and we don't even know what caused it. I run through all the possibilities in my head, nothing fitted. I put my hand to my head, shocked to feel how hot I was; walking over to my desk draw I pulled a mirror out, holding it up to my face. My makeup couldn't even hide my pale complexion; the drooping face, my eyelids heavy and under them dark circles.

I couldn't think straight, I was dizzy, nauseous, but still all I could think of was that patient. I could feel my legs giving in, my eye sight becoming blurry. I couldn't understand why, I desperately searched for something to support me, but there simply wasn't. I fell heavily on to my knees, collapsing onto the cold floor.

* * *

"There's no point any more" Gordon sighed as he stopped trying to revive Mrs Smith.

"Oh dear, can't we do anything?" Sister Brigid asked

"No...no her body has simply given up the fight, the infection was too much for her body, we won't know what caused it until we get the blood results back" Gordon sighed once more, devastated that he'd lost this time.

"Could you ring Ashfordly sister, and tell them that the patient we were going to transfer has passed and make sure they rush the blood results please, mention that she had a red rash on her lower back, might help them" he spoke while carefully examining the patients back, looking at the familiar red rash.

"Yes of course doctor, I'll ring after I informed Matron" Sister Brigid spoke.

"Yes..." He stopped as matron entered the side ward, looking rather anxious. "Matron Mrs Smith passed away...what?" Gordon asked as he realised Matron was looking rather worried.

"Gordon...I'm afraid it's Jill..."


	5. Chapter 5

"Mike what's happened" Gordon desperately rushed into the other side ward where is dear wife was lying, matron following after him.

"Gordon…its ok. She was found unconscious in her office by Matron, we are trying to work out what's wrong now" mike soothed as Gordon pushed past him to his wife's side.

"Jill sweetheart, can you hear me?" He asked desperately looking for reassurance that he was looking for.

"God she's boiling mike!" He yelled angrily " what are you doing about it!?"

"I know Gordon, it's under control" mike spoke calmly.

Gordon was shocked to see his wife so ill; he desperately wanted to know what was wrong with her.

He sat himself down next to her, a sheen of sweat covering her pale face, her heavy he'd resting on a hospital pillow. He wanted to make her better; it pained him to see her so ill.

* * *

"How is she Mike?" He spoke, it had been a good hour since he had last scene his wife, and he had been forced out of the room because he was to upset about her. They'd been able to make her more comfortable now.

"She stable now, her temperature is still way to high...Gordon have you gotten Mrs Smith's blood results back yet?" Mike asked.

"Yes" Gordon replied puzzled why that had anything to do with Jill.

"What did they say?"

"Meningitis...no it can't be?" He spoke realising the connection between the two female patients.

"The rash on Jill's neck...is it the same as Mrs Smiths..?"

"Yes it is...but Mrs Smith was much more ill, she dead for god's sake...that's not happening too Jill!" He said not wanting to believe the truth.

"I'm not saying Jill's going to die, if it is meningitis we will have to act fast, Matron can you get the emergency antibiotics, we will start her on that for now"

"Yes of course doctor" matron answers before leaving the room.

"Mike she might not even have it! It is so unlikely, have you ever treated someone with it before? And if she did, wouldn't we all of caught it?" Gordon added, still in doubt.

"No, but it fits all of her symptoms, you even mentioned yourself Gordon that she has been acting strangely…this just makes sense. The fact that it is a courageous disease is a problem, everyone will have to be tested and vaccinated. But you would be showing symptoms by now if you have contracted it."


	6. Chapter 6

She was stable now that's more than he could have ever asked for. It turned out to be meningitis; she already had a weakened immune system so she was at higher risk than anyone else. Gordon sat at her bedside holding her smaller hand; he had been told she was on the road to recovery. He thought about the past few weeks and her strange behavior, it all seemed to make sense now.

* * *

"Mike why have you taken her of the antibiotics... Is she better?" He said a glimmer of a smile gracing his lips, thinking that she didn't need them anymore.

"Gordon...I'm so sorry she... Won't be recovering" he regretfully said

"What do you mean mike?"

"Jill won't be getting better; last night she developed septicaemia… Blood poisoning, her body is shutting down but by bit...I'm so sorry Gordon"

"You...you said she was getting better...what happened?"

"Gordon we can't do anything, she is already in kidney failure and her liver is heading that way to" Mike spoke regretfully.

He wanted to do something. Even if he did treat her symptoms and she somehow made miraculous recovery, she would be forever scared, mentally and physically. The blood poising, had spread to all parts of her body, causing certain brain cells to die, causing irreversible brain damage on the poor female.

"So do something about, you can't let her die... She's my wife Mike!" He cried desperate for a solution.

"I know Gordon and you also know there is nothing anyone can do Look why don't you sit with her for a bit, she is still alert and awake now you might not get another chance too"

"How long has she got left?" Gordon asked, finally accepting that his wife was seriously ill.

"She will probably make through the night, but I don't think she will make it through tomorrow, im so sorry Gordon,"


	7. Chapter 7

I can hear them talking about me, about my health. It's wired knowing you're going to die, it's not nice either all these questions running though my head. The things I should have said and done, my baby son will never get to know me; I can't deal with all of that. I wish I didn't know or they would just end it all now, I can't stand waiting. I never thought I'd be waiting for my own death; it's horrible, I don't know what to think. All I feel like crying for all I'm worth, I don't want to die not yet. It's not fair, nothing's fair.

Gordon seems to be as upset as I am, probably more. He deserves to be, I'm the one causing all of his pain. I need to tell him all sorts of things; I want him to be prepared to accept it.

But how can I expect him to accept it when I can't myself.

Knowing Gordon he will be fine, I just want him here tell him how sorry I am. Maybe if I'd said something earlier I wouldn't be it this situation, they would be able to make me better, my life back on track. They say I won't make it through tomorrow, I don't know what to think about that. Will I know when I'm about to die? What happens after? Will it hurt? I wish for once in my life I was more religious then maybe I could find solace in that somehow? I don't know, all I want is Gordon.


	8. Chapter 8

"Gordon" she spoke quietly.

"Hey, it's ok, I'm here now" Gordon ran over and held her hand tightly.

"Thank-you for...for being here" she smiled.

He smiled on return, lost for words knowing this might be the last proper conversation they'll ever have together.

"We...we have to organise things G...Gordon..."

"Don't say that Jill...everything's going to be ok" he pleaded, tears starting to form in his eyes.

"No Gordon please we need to do this..." She asked emotion thick in her quiet voice.

"Ok..."

"I need to know that you'll be okay Gordon" she cried unable to hold in her emotions anymore.

"I will be Jill... you don't have to worry, I'll make sure things are in order" he smiled, providing some comfort to the ill female.

"I...love you Gordon, I know it's not fair but please remember that...and the children" she paused closing her eyes momentarily "tell them ill love them to please" she spoke several escaped tears falling down her soft check.

"Of course...you just rest now, I'll be here Jill" he spoke, placing a kiss on her check, before sitting back down in his chair.

Gordon seems to have all worked out, that's good. I'm finding it hard to believe myself that I'll never have another conversation with him, with my children. Never see them grow up; there are too many things I'll miss out on. I couldn't even to begin to know how Gordon is feeling. It will all be taken away from me and of course them. I hate seeing Gordon like this, so lost. I want him to feel at ease with this situation, accept it. I can't help but feel guilty. When I got up yesterday morning I never thought it would be the last time I would see my children, act like a normal family and cuddle my gorgeous baby boy.


	9. Chapter 9

The night wasn't as peaceful has he hoped it would be. He wished he could do something to ease her suffering. She'd vomited and cried in intense pain for hours on end; Gordon did all he could to make her feel for comfortable. She'd continued to deteriorate during the night, to the point she was now fully dependent on others. Jill was now barely awake and the only time she was responsive was when someone caused her pain, I sign to Gordon that it would be soon. He stayed up all night with her, talking to her even if she couldn't reply back. He talked about past events and even the future for him; he hoped it provided some comfort. The room was quiet and dim; the only other people in the room were Dr Banner and Matron, who came in regularly to check on both in them. It was now late afternoon; he was waiting, though he didn't like to admit. Of course he was waiting, he knew it would be soon, though she had being so strong so far. Even though he would give anything to make her better, he did wish it would come to an end soon. He couldn't stand watching her suffer; she hardly knew who Gordon was anymore. Becoming more and more disorientated and confused, he couldn't even start to think about how scared she probably was.

Mike looked on as Gordon salvaged the little time they had left together. He wanted to do something. Even if he did treat her symptoms and she somehow made miraculous recovery, she would be forever scared, mentally and physically. The blood poising, had spread to all parts of her body, causing certain brain cells to die, causing irreversible brain damage on the poor female.

It was illness that was very rare in the UK, something there wasn't a cure for. If caught early, some may make a recovery. Unfortunately this time, it was soon to claim to lives in the seaside town of elsinsby. Both Mrs Smith and Dr Weatherill had fallen into the clutches of this horrible disease; it was still unclear how Mrs Smith had come to contract Meningitis, but that would soon become clear. Having seen to Mrs Smith in the previous weeks, when she was still highly contagious, Jill had been unlucky to contract the illness. On the other hand it was also fortunate that so far no one else had fallen ill, though that was little comfort for Gordon.

Gordon noticed her breaths becoming more strained and further apart while siting near his poorly wife, causing him great pain, knowing theses were their last moments together.


	10. Chapter 10

He felt her hand move, grabbing hold of his very lightly.

"Jill...it's me Gordon, you're ok love"

He spoke realising she was becoming more and more breathless and unresponsive. Still she managed a weak smile, closing her tired eyes temporary. He cupped his had around her worryingly warm cheek, wishing she wasn't her.

"I love you so much, you know that…"

He pauses, holding her hand tighter, gazing at her familiar features. Her heavy eyes and dry cracked lips, met his gaze full of concern. It was all happening too quick for him to take in, less than twenty four hours ago, His life was on track. Now it was left in pieces.

"I'll make sure Jonathon knows how fantastic his mummy was, and Tom and Katie" he spoke softly; she probably couldn't understand him anymore, the illness taking its final toll.

Her grip on him released and she took one last breath.

"Jill...sweetheart I'll never forget you..." He cried, kissing her on the check.

Matron and Mike slowly made their way over the Gordon before Mike checked for a pulse on the female doctor.

"Gordon, I'm sorry she gone..." Mike spoke before placing a heavy hand on his shoulder.

"We leave you to it Gordon…just let us know if you need anything" Matron said as Mike and herself left the room, both devastated that they'd lost such a wonderful colleague, doctor, and most of all friend.

With the room dim and the day coming to an end, Gordon sat with his wife sobbing, not wanting to believe she was gone. Hoping she would somehow come back to life and they could be a happy family once again. But that wasn't to be, never to be again.


End file.
